thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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