He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
