i would punch a child for taco bell
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
