you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
