I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
