If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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