please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
