i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
