i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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