Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
