you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
