I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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