I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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