woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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