I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
