My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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