I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
