I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
