Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
