Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
