How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
