Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
