I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
