Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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