its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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