this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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