I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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