I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
