I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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