He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
