my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
