Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
