just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
