I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
