so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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