nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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