When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
