the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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