yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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