I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
