do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
