she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
