I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
