so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
