This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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