Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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