the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
