Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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