I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
