omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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