the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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