my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
