Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
