Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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