i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
