Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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