I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
