the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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