Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
