I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
